352- The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian review

“The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian” might come as a shock to parents expecting to be bored to tears when taking their kids to a 140 minute Disney movie or cynical moviegoers anticipating a load of claptrap (like me). It turns out that the sequel to “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” is quite the summer treat, a thrilling blockbuster replete with gorgeous visuals, sympathetic characters, and talking polecats.

We’re quickly reintroduced to the four Pevensie siblings (three teens and one elementary age girl), the child heroes from the first installment. They’re stuck in World War II-era Britain, which is quite the drag for them after ruling Narnia for sixty years or so. Fortunately for their sense of adventure, the kids are whisked back into that magical land filled with dwarves, hyper-intelligent rodents, minotaurs, and worst of all, Italian-accented dictators.

The plot concerns one of those evil Italians attempt to murder his nephew, the titular Prince Caspian, and ascend to the throne. But the return of the Pevensies means that there are now four perfectly good (albeit short) monarchs to lead the war effort, meaning that we are treated to an array of battle sequences and swordfights.

And what fights they are. The film’s PG rating belies the intensity of the action sequences, which include a rousing commando-style assault on a fortress and a jarring duel between the leaders of two armies. Whereas it was distractingly silly in the previous entry to see the kids wielding their weapons like pros, the actors are now a bit older, and actually have lived a lifetime in Narnia before, so we can accept their status as expert dispatchers of enemy soldiers, something that happens with surprising frequency.

While long, “Prince Caspian” doesn’t waste much of its running time. The several debates between the villains about Narnian policy tend to stall the narrative, but the film shines when it features the young leads, all benefiting greatly from the character development already laid out several years prior. There’s a surprisingly mature dynamic at work here, the Pevensie children inhabiting their own roles with confidence and without pettiness or asinine squabbles. “Prince Caspian” is that rare family film which bothers to treat all of the audience members, young and old, with respect instead of like cash-dispensing idiots.

For those not in the know, the Narnia films are based on a series of novels by C.S. Lewis, and are likely the only fantasy franchise other than “Lord of the Rings” and “Harry Potter” that anyone outside of the Allied Atheist Alliance cares about. I’m the wrong critic to consult when it comes to discussing theology in cinema, but although “Prince Caspian” could doubtlessly be interpreted as pious, it’s crafted in a manner to be enjoyed by the secular viewer, or at least those who like their movies that way. Really, it seems to be suggesting that the conflicts fielded to us in life need to be met with a clear-head and sterling morals, a theme that few will find misguided. Or at least I hope.

3.5 out of 5

351

I read this article from Esquire which suggests 75 skills men should master. Some are bullshit, but I really enjoyed it. I then impulsively threw together my own list of things that men should be able to do. Highly subjective, of course. And only 30 of them.

1. Don't announce things that you intend to do and then not deliver. I should listen to this one. If you tell people that you're going to do something cool or have them over for cocktails or move to Maine, odds are they'll expect you to do it. Failing that, you look unreliable, and it becomes hard to take you seriously.

2. Learn to order at a drive-thru. Few people actually do this properly. Figure out your order quickly and announce it into the speaker-box in a clear, steady voice. When you've laid out your order, finish by saying "and that's all." Don't ask stupid questions ("is that any good?" "what sort of stew do you have today?"), don't yell, don't just stop talking when you're done.

3. Don't force politics or religion on someone who clearly doesn't want to talk about it. I like talking politics, others religion. But if one party would rather talk about something else, take the hint and drop it. You and everyone around you will be grateful that you did.

4. Know a few classic films and your opinion on them. Too many people can only talk about films made ten years after they were born, when in fact only a single digit number of people still alive were around before the medium. Make an effort to see some classics and be able to discuss them should you run into someone like me. Here are some suggestions: Modern Times (1936), Citizen Kane (1941), Rashomon (1950), The Searchers (1956), Vertigo (1958), A Hard Day's Night (1964), Aguirre: the Wrath of God (1972), Raging Bull (1980), Blade Runner (1982), Hard Boiled (1992).

5. Find a film director you like and watch all of his or her work. This isn't as hard as it sounds. While picking John Ford is certain to give you a life's mission that could take years of effort, there are fantastic directors like Terrence Malik or Alexander Payne who have only made a few films. Learn all about this director; recurring themes and motifs, frequent collaborators, dates and box office grosses.

6. Have at least one sports team you can claim to follow. You don't have to worship them or memorize the career stats of every single player on the team, but being able to sincerely follow and admire a major sports team will come in handy. Go into a party or a bar and you will always find someone that you can discuss that one point with, no matter what.

7. Let the baby have its bottle. This is especially hard yet important. Disputes with colleagues, friends, acquaintances, and whoever else are difficult to ignore, especially when you're right. But whenever you find yourself worked up over a conflict, stop and ask yourself this simple question: is it worth it? The answer will either be yes or no, and if it's the latter, drop it and walk away. You'll be glad you did.

8. Do not let anyone tell you how to feel. People try to control each other by dictating their feelings to one another. Despite this, the one thing that no one should ever be able to tell you what to do is how to feel. If you dislike someone, don't apologize for it or let another tell you you're in the wrong. If you find yourself attracted to someone your friends don't care for, then remind them that you're the one who will have to date them. Thought control is the worst and yet the most common form of manipulate and dominance.

9. Listen to those who care about you. It really isn't as hard to reconcile numbers 8 and 9 as it might seem. When a friend or relative offers their opinion to you, deep down inside you can tell if it is in your best interest or their's. That they care about you doesn't mean that you have to take their advice, just that you should consider it before doing the opposite.

10. Figure out what political issues mean the most to you and do some homework. Few things are worse than a person who pontificates about issues they don't really know shit about. If you want to be the local authority on abortion law or the Iraq war or health care, sit down and read about it. Pick up a book that takes the exact opposite side you do and read it. If I can slog through a book written by the head of the Violence Policy Center, then you can read a book about why abortion on demand is cool or why the Iraq war was justified.

11. Watch the original Star Wars films. I meet people all the time who have never done this. If you're one of them, do it.

12. Find some bloggers you like and follow their work. The Internet has a lot to offer, believe it or not, and there are blogs on virtually every issue imaginable. Find a few written by people you respect and make sure to check up on them at least once a week.

13. Don't overspend on your car. I received a brand new Chevy Malibu in 2001 for my 17th birthday. At the time I figured that I would have the car for two years and then get another brand new one. Today, I'm almost 24 and am planning on keeping the car for several more years, even though I could get a new one if I wanted to. Cars can be cool, but unless you're wealthy or a dedicated enthusiast, it's a waste of money to frequently buy new ones.

14. Don't envy the rich. In truth, most rich people probably deserve their money.

15. Don't scorn the poor. Life's tough at the bottom. They're probably not much unhappier than the rich.

16. Be able to load, unload, and shoot a gun. We may no longer live by the gun, but it's naive to think that they don't have a place in our world. Love them or hate them, you never know when your knowledge of one might come in handy. Find a friend who owns a semi-automatic handgun (such as a Glock 17) or a center-fire rifle (such as a civilian AK-47 or a Mini-14) and learn the process; charging the mags, working the action, shooting the weapon. Aim down right down the iron sight and don't pull but squeeze the trigger. Don't whine about the recoil or some imaginary safety concern, because that's the domain of the wuss. If you don't know someone with one of those (and you all do), then ask a friend with something easier, such as a lever-action .22 or a over-under shotgun, and get acquainted with that. Offer your pal a few bucks for the ammo you spend. You don't have to like it; I took someone shooting once and they told me they hated guns more than ever.

17. Learn facts that everyone should know that but most don't. Be able to name all 50 states. Learn something about the 8th president. Know what years the Civil War was fought and what were the most important battles. Be able to name your congressman, your governor, and your senators.

18. Throw a party. A lost art, apparently. I wrote a whole article about this two years or so ago that remains one of the best things I've ever written. What sort of party you throw can say a lot about you as a person; how many friends you have, your personal tastes, your ability to lead and play both match and peace maker. No matter what sort of party you throw, treat it as a job and care equally about every guest.

19. Learn the streets in your area. You don't have to be walking Mapquest, but I know lifelong residents of Cedar Falls who can only name three or four different streets. Slightly less worse are the college students who can only name two despite living in town for four or more years.

20. Offer your expertise. When I meet people who work on short stories or papers related to film, I almost always offer my assistance, even if I don't care for that person. Most people say no, but it's almost always appreciated. Everyone has a talent or a skill (car repair, karate, guitar) that can aid others in some way, and by offering yours you can gain respect and attention for it. Obviously, it's also the decent thing to do.

21. Ask people about them. You can tell a lot about a person by how much they appear to care about others. I routinely encounter people that I've known for years who could visibly care less if I dropped dead in front of them. On the other hand, I also encounter people who ask how I'm doing and actually listen when I reply. That shows character.

22. Be able to spot a sociopath. Know what a sociopath is? They are human beings that lack empathy. To a sociopath, your only value is what you can do for them. But the good news is that most are not at all hard to spot. They're charming and intelligent, and never seem to disagree with anything you say. Nothing is ever their fault for any reason. Most people might like them but very few seem to love. Once you spot a sociopath, steer clear at all costs. If you have one in your family, consider a divorce.

23. Be able to consume hot peppers and sauce. I mean the really hot stuff, not just Tabasco. Many would rather eat a live cockroach than a burrito topped with real hot sauce, the sort of fiery condiment that fries your skull and changes your tongue into a miniature replica of the star, but a real man should learn not just how to handle it, but to love it, cherishing the experience. And don't even thinking about squealing and guzzling water like you're a child.

24. Accept that some people deserve whatever they've got coming to them (and more). Even if you oppose the death penalty, you need to know that there are people out there who are so vile that their life is hardly worth the gunpowder it takes to propel the bullet into their brains. That's why Batman and Spider-Man are for kids; their character arcs don't accommodate a serious desire for revenge and justice.

25. Don't spend more than five minutes a year talking about cartoons from your youth. Stop living in the past, man.

26. Realize that the person you worship the most is just another person. Having an idyllic view of your girlfriend or Ronald Reagan or a football star only serves to distance yourself from the truth about people: we're all flawed, finite creatures with a litany of disgusting biological processes. We each have desires and attempt to satisfy them in one way or another. Some people are better than others. Keeping this in mind at all times will allow you a much more accurate and measured view of the world.

27. Learn to enjoy your beer. So many don't.

28. Admit when you're wrong. People who can admit when they're wrong are sick of being in the extreme minority. It's much easier to get along with people when you at least attempt to atone for the mistakes you've made, and much harder when you bitterly resist the notion that you are ever at fault for anything.

29. Learn what ready means. It doesn't mean ready to get ready. It means ready.

30. Learn to talk about politics and religion. I know these can be unpleasent subjects to discuss, but you're an adult, right? People should be able to discuss serious issues without dissolving into a pool of discomfort.

350

1. A review of Prince Caspian is fourthcoming. It's finished, but I don't want to post it before the Courier prints it.

2. I've started wearing contact lenses. It's a nightmare putting them in but I needed some sort of quick image boost and these fit the bill nicely.

3. Grand Theft Auto IV rocks, but I hate to think of all the children that are playing it. I remember when Mortal Kombat was really edgy, but now games have reached borderline pornographic.

349

Some recent scores:

Blast of Silence - 3.5
Boys Don't Cry - 3
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - 3.5
Major Dundee - 3.5

I see the beginnings of a pattern.

348 - Blade Runner review

Ridley Scott's "Blade Runner" is arguably the greatest film ever made about what it means to be human, and we learn the lesson from those who aren't. It's a deeply moving human tale cloaked in a sheen of grimly gorgeous film noir, itself covered in a veneer of gorgeous science-fiction.

It stars Harrison Ford in what was certainly not his most famous role but easily the most debated. Ford plays Rick Deckard, a "Blade Runner" operating in Los Angeles of 2019. His job is to find and "retire" replicants, which are a species of humanoids genetically created to serve particular functions (combat, strength, assassination, entertainment). Retirement, of course, is a euphemism for kill. This might be simpler if the replicants were simply robots or thoughtless machines, but on the contrary, they're at least as intelligent as and much more physically capable than normal humans.

Deckard tracks the replicants through Los Angeles of the future, a rain-soaked dungeon of neon lights and dilapidated buildings, of fire-breathing industrial complexes and grinding poverty. The scenery suggests that dreams of a technology-fueled utopia are nonsense, as the advances in machinery have done little but to obliterate the environment to the point where only millionaires can afford animals not brewed in a vat. The film's visual effects and set design are second to none, the rare work where even just our small glimpse of the fictional dystopia allows it to feel so alive and full of history that it breathes.

Deckard falls in love with Rachael (Sean Young), an employee at the Tyrell Corporation, the entity that produces replicants. She's a replicant herself, but doesn't know it. In a scene that demonstrates Deckard's own robotic lack of empathy and compassion, he recites her own memories to her, casually plunging her existence into terrifying uncertainty. But if one can be a replicant without knowing, what does that say for the supposedly human heroes?

The replicants Deckard pursues are escapees from space colonies searching for the secret more life, as their own life spans are programmed to cut out after 20 years. They're led by Roy Batty (Rutger Hauer in his career-defining performance), a devious creature who stalks through the city doing as he pleases, seemingly only beatable by his own ticking clock. He is followed by Pris (Daryl Hannah), an assassin who doesn't seem like she could harm an insect, Leon (the late Brion James), a brutal beast that isn't as dumb as he looks, and Zhora (Joanna Cassidy), whose death causes Deckard to reconsider the morality of his task. How often throughout history have we given ourselves the right to abuse and exterminate life at our convenience?

Hauer's brilliant performance is filled with the contradictions. Roy represents something strange for an antagonist; he's vicious yet gentle, wise but childlike, violent but possessing the greatest respect for life of any character. He's ostensibly the villain, and often behaves as such, but we sympathize with him as much as we do Deckard. Roy might murder, but he does it in an attempt to save his own life, while Deckard does it for the money.

When Roy and Deckard do finally meet, they do battle in a way that is less about action than it is about sadness and understanding. A film professor of mine once told me that he thought that the culmination of their confrontation, where Roy describes his incredible experiences in a shattering manner, might be the best moment ever put to celluloid. He might be right. What a marvelous thematic device "Blade Runner" employs, that we might learn a lesson about the preciousness of our time in this world through a machine. After all, what are we as people vessels of organs and electrical signals that interpret our surroundings and react accordingly? Couldn't we conceivably be labeled machines, too? Like us, the replicants burn out, are scared of that fact, and want to enjoy and experience life before they do.

Released in 1982, "Blade Runner" has since been released in no less than four different versions, not including the work print available on the recent DVD release. This turns the film into a case study about the difference between story (the chronological sequence of events) and the plot (the way pieces of the story and connected and presented to us). All versions essentially have the same plot, but their stories are potentially entirely different. At least that is if you want it to be. The great thing about art of any kind is that once the artist has ceased his or her work, we can make it our own to interpret as we see fit. Sure, the people involved in the production of "Blade Runner" have their explanations, but what do we care? They're just the filmmakers; we're the viewers, and once we view and treasure the film, it belongs to us.

5 out of 5

347

Paul Clark was cool enough to review Zulu at my request. Check out his review here!

346 - Baby Mama review

“Baby Mama” is a comedy starring the two funniest women on TV that gets fewer laughs in 96 minutes than a “Family Matters” rerun. It’s a miscarriage from top to bottom, without so much as a grain of originality or anything resembling a more than remotely amusing thought.

Tina Fey stars as one of those movie executive women who love their job and have no family as a result. She desperately wants a baby, and in a scene that appears written by someone who has never been to a doctor, is told that her uterus sucks. So she hires Amy Poehler, a white trash nitwit, to be a surrogate for her baby. They engage in sitcom style antics such as feuding over the toilet and who stuck gum under the table, because everyone goes to the movies to wade through a series of trite conflicts and jokes that could be written by a mature 3rd grader, right?

Poehler’s character is straight out of a Jeff Foxworthy book, an insufferable redneck worse than anything I ever saw during my three years in Alabama. It passes stereotyping and becomes just plain snide; you can easily imagine the filmmakers snicker, “Ha, she’s such an idiot, I’ll bet she believes in God and lost her virginity to her cousin and voted for Bush at least once.”

Not content to merely be unfunny, the filmmakers went the distance and threw in banal plot twists, character development with no basis in story or plot, a chemistry free romance with Greg Kinnear, a wasted cameo by Steve Martin, and a courtroom scene just in case we forgot we were watching a movie. It’s as if written by rigidly adhering to formula, but it’s a formula never once used in a half-decent film.

Sometimes I watch terrible films and wonder what the film’s premier must have been like. Did the cast of this film mingle around the bar afterwards and discuss firing their agents? Was everybody depressed and mumbling to themselves when the topic of the film itself came up? I hope so.

Tina Fey is the creator and star of “30 Rock,” the funniest show currently on TV, and yes, I’m aware of “South Park.” Amy Poehler is a star on “Saturday Night Live” and likely the funniest cast member by a factor of ten. Both of them should be able to vomit better material than this, but instead their faces are plastered on posters and billboards, shilling this derivative garbage at the expense of their names.

Scratch what I said earlier; this isn’t a miscarriage, it’s a botched abortion.

0.5 out of 5